Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives
by Uboa
Summary: [AU] The Gods are bored, and it's up to two hapless souls to keep them entertained. Who knows who could be next? Pray it isn't you.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest --- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, so please, call off your lawyers. As college students, we have no money. On the other hand, any specific author created characters created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

_Read at your own risk._

_-------------------------_

**The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives**

_The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru_

Chapter 01:

Exposition Sucks

A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty

_-------------------------_

Most people would think that the End of the Universe is a pretty spectacular place. If you subscribe to any number of Judeo-Christian related opium, that is organized religion: the End of the Universe (abbreviated EotU henceforth) is all brimstone, hellfire, big golden gates, folks raised from the dead to judged by the Big G (AKA God, O Heavenly Father, He of 99 Beautiful Names, etc.), and Jesus Christ and his buddies are Ghetto Super Stars back in B.C. '69. Of couse, other people who don't subscribe to fiery evangelicals and Scientoligists stealing your money for super powers have different artistic visions of EotU, such as a wasteland of despair under a blistering hot sun, maybe a volcano at your five o'clock shadow with a great burning eye glaring at you. 

But seriously y'all fatalistic, existential gloomy heads, the EotU ain't that bad at all. In fact, it's right in your proverbial backyard where you used to...let's not get into that for the narrator (the voice of divine record) here is digressing into the Ramble Zone. Back on topic, yes, if you really want to find EotU, all a Curious George has to do is book himself a trip on a Southeast Asian sea cruise where hopefully he or she (or she-he or he-she) will be willingly or unwillingly kidnapped by your modern day Bonnie and Clyde on a surplus Vietnam War-era torpedo boat. You will then be spirited off to a port city that does not exist officially anywhere in any Almanac and the Thai Government professes complete innocence and ignorance to this crazy town even being there:

Roanapur, City of Villians, See No Evil -- Hear No Evil -- Speak No Evil; they even went as far to tear out the Buddha statue's eyes out, naturally out of respect for the great prince and good karmic balance, that's been carved out of a spiky island hill way out in the bay. Folks see it all the time when they come and go, and the few people who give a damn are perfectly cool with any disrespect and juvenile defamations tossed at Buddha, as long as nobody tries to go graffiti him.

They _**really **_don't like the graffiti.

Now, if it was not obvious before from all the symbolism the narrator just laid down, he will tell you again. This city is a God-forsaken hellhole: any vice you desire, anything you want, can be had for a price. Neon signs, skyscrapers, new construction, ghettos, seedy motels, run down police stations, vigilantes, psychopaths, sociopaths, mercenary folk, churches promising absolution to any who promise to them a fee and their undying faith, anything and everything the human and inhuman mind can devise is here. This is not a place for human beings; hell, human beings in this place are like cheap gasoline you burn off on your morning commute to work, and complain about shelling out 30 or more dollars at the pump a few days later for gas.

Human beings are just another form of currency. The lucky or unlucky ones that actually manage to survive? Well, they don't stay human beings for long. Roanpur is a classic examble of why those who fight with monsters need to worry about becoming monsters themselves. It's in the very air you breathe, the corruption, the hedonism, and eventually, it will get to you too.

The million dollar question now is why the hell would the Gods of yester year and today --- be they Elder Gods, Old Gods, Middle Gods, New Gods --- would want anything to do with EotU? Two big reasons:

1. In Roanpur, there exists the possibility for infinite gain **and **infinite loss, that is to say, there exists limitless potential here. If there was something you could not accomplish back in the day when you still had your power divine status and millions of worshippers at your feet, here was the place to start over and try again.

2. **Boredom**.

Yes. It is the fatal archenemy of any immortal being out there: **Boredom**.

But before the narrator moves on, there is a fatal issue that must be addressed before this tale moves on... **The Gods **--- what the hell is the narrator talking about you know? It is a really, really, really, really, absurdly _complicated_ issue but for time constraints, the short and easy is the many Gods created by polytheistic humans back in the day never really died out, even with the coming of Big G (The One GOD), who has been enjoying huge amounts of popularity for some time now. Plus, it was kinda hard to die, as they had essentially become "heroes" in human culture. As long as one person even cared for them, they would continue to exist.

Now, of course, not everybody had the same level of power in the post-Jehova era, but some folks did come pretty close. In particular, were the Elder Gods and New Gods who had moved into management status positions, and were essentially responsible for time and times beyond the Big G's jurisdiction. Well... actually they kinda moved in like loan sharks and mafia goons, as for whatever reasons the Big G had turned a blind eye to these "gap" universes.

This brings us then full circle to **Boredom** and the duties of the Pantheon of Gods (the PoG for short). Chief amongst their duties is to do whatever the heck the Big G does not take care of, such as the administration of universes the Big G has not taken jurisdiction over, the occasional miracle, and of course, fighting each other for "sport." The other big thing is of course keeping the Big G on its mighty toes by playing a near constant game of hide and seek: the Big G is "IT" and they are the "Seekers." Whoever finds Big G gets to become the next Big G, so one can imagine the sheer amount of controversy and effort that goes into the endeavor.

The Boredom sets in from the fact, that even though they be immortal beings, day to day life eventually becomes routine, no matter how thrilling it is to make like Genghis Khan to mere mortals: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women." Not to mention, it sucks balls that nobody has been able to catch Big G so far in around --- oh --- the past 3000 or so years, and lo behold, the necessity to find other forms of amusement when they are feeling --- **depressed**.

For starters, they needed a place to hang out, and what better location than the End of the Universe? Hell yes! But they could not just bum together out in the streets. Oh no, they were high class wanksta gangstas, and they needed their own pad, a place they could call a home away from "home." What they needed was... a club, but not just any club. The greatest entertainment mecca in the universe, the best club in the universe with: the most beautiful strippers ever to walk the cosmos on three runways, the hugest of HUGE big screen TV, TVs hanging from the ceiling like disco balls for information overload, and a Bar hat Never Ends. Oh but that's not all, it still gets better because they had all the best "company" for hire at your beck and call, a 7-star triple-X rated all-you-can-eat-anything restaurant (yes, anything! Dying for Sirloin of Virgin? They got your palette covered!), the most awesome bands and MCs and killer sound systems period; it had to be the Oceans Eleven of _COOL_.

VIP and Invitation basis only!

And so, Club Ragnarock was born.

_-------------------------_

To be continued...

_-------------------------_

Author's Notes:

This is what happens when you let two evil and insane guys brainstorm a story spawned from an errant thought while discussing other topics. Stick around -- this'll be a fun ride.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. If you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Or you could go here: http:// www. fanfiction. net / f / 273171 /

Just copy and paste; don't forget to remove the spaces.

_Tsudzuku_!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest --- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, so please, call off your lawyers. As college students, we have no money. On the other hand, any specific author created characters created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

_Read at your own risk._

_-------------------------_

**The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives**

_The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru_

Chapter 02:

Prologues Suck

A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty

_-------------------------_

VIP and Invitation basis only!

And so, Club Ragnarock was born.

_-------------------------_

Club Ragnarock was undoubtedly the Las Vegas of clubs. It does not get much better than this, but the thing is, the Gods still were not satisfied with it. They needed a hook; some kind of diabolical _MOE _turn on factor that would make them leave with a happy smile and/or devilish sneer. What they needed were hosts of the night, but not just any ordinary hosts. Oh no, these had to be people, persons, things, abominations, whatever that the Gods positively hated, and it fell to these unfortunate, misbegotten, forsaken fools to **entertain **the _very _--- Not Very Nice Deities --- they so happened to piss off.

Should they fail, well, the outcome was fairly obvious: suffering, despair, misery, various synonoms for pain and torture beyond mortal comprehension. Thus, the Host System was born, and yeah, it really sucked to piss off the Gods, which brings the narrator to Club Ragnarock's current set of hosts. Their tale of heresy and blasphemy is an epic in itself, but their names are much too mundane, so for the sake of drama, the Gods decided to name them:

Mister Red.

And

Mister Blue.

And to make a long story short, Mister Red and Mister Blue really, really, really, really pissed off the Gods. The thing is, just obliterating them and anyone who ever knew them was too easy. What better way to get even with these arrogant mere mortals than to make them kiss ass and make up to the very powers they had forsaken in the first place? To sweeten the deal, they had their souls hanging in the balance, along with the fates of everything they ever held dear and loved for after all: Red and Blue were not **monsters**, despite their transgressions.

They were damned stubborn fools believing in dead ideals that needed to be taught a lesson --- severely so --- in _humility_.

Tonight was going to be big night for it was this very night that these two scoundrels would be making their debuts as the Hosts of Club Ragnarock. Many have failed before them and paid the price dearly. However, little did the Gods know that these two, well, rascals as they prefer to be called, had a plan up their sleeve.

They only had a week in all honesty to prepare for this fateful night since their less than kind processing into "the business." The situation was bleak beyond bleak, and for three days and three nights, they prowled the neon-lit streets of Roanpur racking their hearts and minds for some ingenious scheme. Alas, everything they thought of was much too mundane for the Gods or beyond their means to sell, and just when all hope was lost... ephipany struck.

Mister Red and Mister Blue were trolling through the waves of the internet when they stumbled across a peculiar "fictional" property. The thing is, the _Touhou Project_ (or Project Shrine Maiden) did not seem "fictional" at all, as there was simply an inordinatly disproportional cult following with "fans" dumping in countless pieces of lore, stories, artwork, etc., and it was just getting bigger and bigger, little by little. It was an intriguing find and the more they researched it, the more it felt like exactly the prospect they needed...

Hunting down alterworlds, namely, "gap" universes where God held no jurisdiction, was part of Mister Red and Mister Blue's "profession" before their untimely capture. They had a good hunch that this world based oh-so-apparently on a "curtain fire scrolling shooter made by a one-man team, with intricate bedazzling bullet patterns and an emphasis on the characters" was much more than meets the eye. Whoever was in charge of this Team Shanghai Alice that created _Touhou_ was likely selling this world out in a mass consumer form so as to gain followers as quickly as possible and increase their power exponentially with each new convert.

After all, what was a "god" without followers? But with that much said, who or where was this "god" of Gensokyo (the fictional setting of _Touhou_)? Indeed, in the events of the "game" there was once a supreme god in this fantastic land who made her home in the realm of demons, but afterwards, she disappeared and the world was reborn a new. The history of characters and the world itself had been... altered.

Back when they were free, Mister Red and Mister Blue had a remarkable "talent" that would have allowed them to wrestle control of such an untamed "free universe" into their control easily. But alas, with their new shackles, they had lost that power, and it seemed all hope was lost. Gensokyo was beyond their reach, a fantastic land that existed between the boundaries of worlds, where magic and spiritualism had prevailed over science, and their grand plan would go to waste.

Yes, it seemed they were doomed. They had come so far, so long, and now they were both screwed because they did not have the means to create the best piece of reality entertainment to date. Since the Gods were so fond of extreme stimulus, the best of which can be exploited from the mortals they so adored to toy with, the plan was to make a show just like that with the Gods in control of screwing somebody over.

Unscripted.

Random.

Completely at the mercy of the fates.

"The Touhou Project (Untitled), a psychadelic fantasticaly Bohemian rhapsody Reality Dating-Sim RPG for the amusement of the Gods: PUTTING THE POWER IN THINE HANDS."

Well, that was the idea, and it had gone down the proverbial crapper. They were screwed, so they figured they would just go drink their sorrows away at a strip club, blow back a couple blunts. Who knows? Maybe getting high off of some fumes might spurn on their motivation for another crazy plan.

Now, normally, bouncers at these kind of seedy "Adult Entertainment" places are pretty rough and tough guys. They sure as hell are not going to let "minors" in, that is the little brats that need to go back home and suck on their mama's tits some more. Apparently, it was this very same backbiting remark that sent a bouncer careening into the bar tabletop, with an audible pained crack, right next to to Mister Red and Mister Blue, before momentum sent him curling over into the barkeep's pit.

It was an usual sight to say the least, and they turned about to see...

Well...

Maybe it was the alcohol...

But seriously, that had to be shortest...

Cripes, how old was she? Twelve? Thirteen? Jailbait?

And, man! Pale purple colored hair, really long... Burgundy red eyes... That definitely could not be natural. And what's with up with the dark gothic Shinto shrine maiden outfit? The colors are all wrong. It should red and white, not primarily violet (almost black), red ribbons threaded into the material, a white outer sleeve attached to the main sleeve, and...

Damn, that actually doesn't look like a Shinto shrine maiden outfit at all. It's more like an homage to one and...whoa, armored boots. ...Wait, why does she have armored boots on? Why are they so pointy and scary too?

Holy crap, what is she doing with a flaming sword! And did they just see yellow _ofuda_ just appear out of thin air in her hands...and...black wings transform out from the silken material of her _obi_ sash?

"Good evening!" she greeted them with the most cutest smile ever. Hell, her voice alone was unspeakbly sugary and sweet that it would have given a diabetic a seizure from just hearing it, not to mention her English was impeccable; no accent at all.

"Are you not, you young men, Red-_danna_ and Blue-_danna_?"

Err, well, yeah they were; well, they answered with dumbfounded nods. Who was she? What was she doing in here? And where the other bouncers coming to throw her out? This was not a place for a kid, and... hey, why's everybody leaving and screaming their heads off? Hey? Hey!

"_Ufu_-_fufu_! Thank goodness, you I found. Heard about you I did that looking you were for a sponsor!"

They were looking for a sponsor?

Noticing their less than enthusiastic expressions, the girl gave them both a pout:

"_Uguuu_... Are you two not the new Hosts of Club Ragnarock?"

Well, yeah they were. More importantly, who was she?

"Oh, _gomen-nasaide arimasu_, introduced myself first I should have!"

Whoa, what's up with the reverse syntax?

"Excuse me?"

Never mind. Please, go on.

"O-kay... Well, _etou_, I am Meimu Hakurei, Junior Goddess First Class, Unlimited License, and the curator of the fantastic story of Eastern Land, the Border Realm of Gensokyo!"

...Say what?

"And I am your new sponsor! _Onegai de arimasu_, please, take care of me, _ne_?"

There was an awkward silence as the two rascals digested the revelation before them. Naturally, they were skeptical, as they never heard anything about sponsors before, much less any of "The Powers that be" would even be willing to touch them! But if she really is a goddess and in charge of this Gensokyo place...

"Please take care of us as well, Meimu-sama," was the unanimous reply they gave their new sponsor.

Thankfully she put away the flaming sword at that point and did a little cutesy victory dance at, apparently so, being hired by them, when it was more like the other way around. Oh well, who were they to complain?

_-------------------------_

Friday night came, and by the Word, it was a full house.

There was not a seat left unfilled. All the powers that ran the multiverses had shown up today to for what they presumed to be a spectacle, namely: the longest and shortest opening night in Club Ragnarock's history. Everybody could not wait to see how Mister Red and Mister Blue were just going to have everything just bomb flat out in their faces, before they are dragged off to meet their respective humiliating and terrible demises.

Now, obviously, there were many famous faces and regulars at the club tonight. For starters, there was Odin and Zeus: two of the most powerful "Fathers" to have ever walked the Earth. Showered with attention, good and bad, was the divas, Aphrodite and Venus (just jaw dropping lovely twins, by the way), the self-proclaimed most famous goddesses of love and lust hands down, and few would dare to go up against them.

Trouble was naturally brewing at the bar, where the younger crowd and "singles" hung out. Kratos, God of War (present), had shown up tonight and was naturally picking on Ares (ex-God of War), trying to goad his counterpart into a fight. Fights were strictly forbidden due to the expense of damages in terms of souls and wealth, which could also result in a permament ban from the club.

And of course, who could forget the "Brothers of Chaos"? In terms of notoriety, amongst the "New Gods", they were THE infamous. All of them threw "hedonistic parties" commerating themselves that were so indulgent and perverse that even Bacchus, God of Wine and Festivals, was offended by their "antics." And one fellow in their number was so decadent, he had been denied entry to the club before he even stepped out of the limo. Respectively present, there was the Blood God Khorne, Tzeentch the Changer of Ways and Lord of Sorcery, and Slaanesh the Prince of Excess --- and arguably, the biggest if not the "MEGA Slut" of the club.

The fourth brother shall not be named simply because it would give him an excuse to show up.

In any case, the stage was set and when the clock struck nine o'clock sharp, marking that happy hour had started, it was game time. The curtains on "main stage" rolled away, and everybody rose in uproar and mocking applause, expecting those two arrogant fools to show up. Thing is...

There was nobody there. The stage was empty, as if the Hosts had not even bothered showing up, which quite frankly was rather disrespectful on several accounts. What they got instead was that somebody had left the "Gigantic Big Screen TV so Big it was Beyond Phallic!" TV and it was apparently transmitting images from somewhere live.

On screen, there was a male youth relaxing on a grassy hillside that gave him an overlook of his village wherefore a prominent tower and a mountainside monument immediately stood out. The monument boasted four faces, much in the same fashion as Mount Rushmore over in America. The birds were singing, the sky was blue with some scattered clouds, and the sun was shining: beautiful weather for cloud watching.

"If you are watching this right now..." a deep baritone masculine voice came over the club's plentiful Bose speakers then.

"...then it means we have succeeded," a whimsical tenor finished.

"Ladies and Gentleman, Gods and Devils: welcome to the premier of the eminent form adult deus entertainment in the universes! We, at Red and Blue Entertainment, welcome you to 'The Touhou Project.' We put the power in thine hands, and tonight's first victim for your viewing pleasure is a young _chuunin_ from the Fire Country in the Elemental Lands, a Verse just born recently if we may add and ripe for the picking as none have claimed ownership of it yet..."

And his name is "Nara Shikamaru, Konohakure's Number One Laziest Ninja."

"Shikamaru-san, you are about to go on a most _**excellent **_adventure for the amusement of the Gods. And, please, by all means possible: be _excellent _to the **babes**, dude."

_-------------------------_

To be continued...

_-------------------------_

Author's Notes:

E're we go! E're we go! Finally all that exposition is done. Now we can get to the meat of it all!

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. If you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Or you could go here: http:// www. fanfiction. net / f / 273171 /

Just copy and paste; don't forget to remove the spaces.

_Tsudzuku_!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest --- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, so please, call off your lawyers. As college students, we have no money. On the other hand, any specific author created characters created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

_Read at your own risk._

-------------------------

**The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives**

_The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru_

Chapter 03:

Introductions Suck

A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty

-------------------------

Clouds.

They were no more than visible collections of water droplets, held aloft by air currents. Shaped by the very force that kept them aloft, they ranged from wispy cirrus to fluffy cumulus humilis and cumulus mediocris, to the grand cumulonimbus. And yet, people loved to watch the skies, gazing lazily up at the cotton puffs as they took on shapes wrought by their minds. Often, people would stare longingly at the clouds, wishing they were as free and effortless.

Much like a certain ninja.

Nara Shikamaru, _Konohakure_'s Number One Laziest Ninja was alone on his favorite grassy hill, staring aimlessly into the sky. Lying in the grass with his hands behind his head, he seemed to be at peace with the world. In reality, his mind was in great turmoil.

The recently promoted _chuunin_ couldn't help but think about the botched mission he and his friends had just come back from, as well as the scars they all had now. That traitor Sasuke had managed to escape, leaving a remorseful Naruto shamed by his failure. Kiba was alive but definitely out of commission for a while, and Neji was near death with a grievous wound.

And Chouji… Gods… Please let him live.

He knew he should be at the hospital, waiting on the news from Tsunade, but he just couldn't sit there alone. Sure, that fan girl from the Sand was there, but she hardly qualified to be suitable company. Weren't they at war just a short while ago? This was so troublesome…

So deep into his thoughts that the Lazy Genius did not notice the hole forming under him like an eye blinking open. It wasn't the earth that opened up to swallow him; it wasn't even a ninjutsu!

No. It was as if the boundary of space itself opened its gaping maw to swallow Shikamaru whole. Within the space was only the deepest black – not a single ray of light escaped from it. Without a sound, without leaving a trace, the shadow user slipped through the gate like a diver into water.

_Vwoop!_

And like that, he was gone.

-------------------------

Clouds.

They decorated the sky, granted shade from the sun, and precluded the coming of rain and lightning. Found at varying altitudes, clouds even formed around the top of mountains, letting those at the peak gaze upon the rare cloud crests. Though they seem solid, one would only grasp mist if they were to come close.

Shikamaru discovered firsthand just how misty it was by falling bodily through it.

Normally when engaged in an activity he found unfavorable, Shikamaru often uttered his favorite phrase: "Troublesome." Falling into a pitch black "space" then suddenly plummeting at one hundred and ninety kilometers an hour (or fifty four meters per second OR one hundred and twenty miles an hour) towards a ground that seemed wholly unforgiving, Shikamaru found that such a word did not seem appropriate to adequately describe his situation.

Screaming, however, fit the bill perfectly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Who could ever guess Shikamaru had such a great lung capacity?

As a ninja born of Leaf and not of the Cloud, Shikamaru was very used to being on solid ground, utilizing shadows to his advantage and playing shougi in his off time. Wide-eyed and wide-mouthed, the _chuunin_ was quite aware of his weakness and his mortality – there was nothing he could do to stop this. The air whipped around him, whistling in his ears as his heart thundered in his chest. Never before had Shikamaru wished so greatly that this was all a terrible dream. Alas, if it were a dream, it was one where he could not wake.

-------------------------

"It's SPRING!" a jolly fairy cheered as she fluttered through the sky, joyfully spreading the good news. The Herald of Spring, Lily White, expressed her joy and excitement with a healthy spray of danmaku, curtain fire bullets of magic that filled the air and spread all over. This did not bode well for those caught in the bullet hell, pelted mercilessly by a literal swarm of red and blue magic that did more than just choke the air.

How fortunate for the unfortunate, that something smashed into the fairy and ripped her out of the air, stopping the barrage and having the added effect of slowing a certain pineapple-head's fall. Though, now it was both of them that plummeted to earth. The two were tumbled and twirled through the air, a screeching mess of limbs and hair. Luckily, Lily managed to recover her tumble well enough to stabilize into a headfirst dive, all the while Shikamaru clung to her, and she him.

Fairy and ninja looked at each other, at the rapidly approaching ground, and back at each other. In that moment, though they only met seconds ago, they came to an amazing agreement: freefalling is terrifying.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

They both had amazing lungs, didn't they?

Below, the ground cleared up to reveal a single grand mansion, its tall spires reaching up to greet them. Even in the afternoon sun, the building seemed to be an eerie crimson, almost like blood. However it was only moments ago that it seemed to be a speck in the distance, then it was a noticeably distinct shape. Now, it was pretty damn close. Gravity would only bring about the inevitable; together, they braced for impact.

**CRASH!** _SMASH!__**KABOOM AND KABLAM!**_

Plaster, wood, and sheetrock broke under the weight of Shikamaru and Lily, the two of them smashing through the mansion's roof and a few flimsy floors. How lucky for them that the aging house's structure had weakened over time, making it rather easy for two bodies at high velocity to break through. How even more lucky that the materials seemed juuuuuust right to soften the ninja and fairy's landing without any major harm. Yes, injury was unavoidable, but at least it was superficial. Finally, they came to a stop in a hallway, a series of holes above them describing their entrance, and a mess of ruined junk under them. Fluffballs of insulation and dust drifted slowly down from the ceiling, adding a strange surreal look to it all.

"_Aaaawwweeeehhhhh_" the Herald of Spring lay dazed in a pile of broken wood, her eyes swirly as she murmured a confused sound. Other than a large bump on her head, some torn clothing, and a severe loss of awareness, the hardy fairy was A-OK.

"Uuugh. That was beyond troublesome," Shikamaru moaned in his own mess, painfully aware of a piece of wood jabbing into his side. He had a splitting headache and his body ached from the impact, but hey, at least he was still alive!

But where the heck was he?

"_Ara ara_, it seems we have some unexpected guests," a young voice cut through the fog of Nara's mind. It sounded like a child, but had a highborn and condescending tone to it. "Meirin must be getting lazy. Sakuya, would you mind dealing with them?"

"Yes, mistress. Please leave it to me."

His vision finally clearing, the first things Shikamaru noticed were the two unknown persons, other than the white winged thing he had literally flew in with. The smaller of the two was a noticeably short girl with astonishing red eyes and light-blue hair, wearing a pink blouse and dress with red trim and ribbons and a poofy hat of similar coloring. The most amazing part of her, however, was the pair of black bat-like wings jutting from her back.

And the other one? Well, now she was standing before him, knives suddenly appearing in her hands. Tall and thin, she was dressed in a white and dark blue French (what's a "French" anyways?) maid's outfit with a white bonnet. Cold dark-blue eyes stared at him, framed by silver hair with a long braid on each side of her face. She didn't look too pleased with the intrusion, and while it boggled the mind, number of knives the maid had readied would've impressed Tenten. Plus, the army of maids waiting behind the two girls was quite staggering. Was that a great axe?

In a place he didn't know, confronted by hostile inhabitants, and to top it all, a great headache to accompany his body's agony, Shikamaru could summed it all nicely with one breath.

"…This is _so_ troublesome."

-------------------------

_To be continued..._

-------------------------

Author's Notes:

If you haven't noticed, the vast difference in this chapter's writing style is the result of the other guy writing it. James "Ray" Edwards completed the first two chapters, while Tempest Dynasty will be taking the helm for a short while, as the former has gone off for an extended trip.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, we always encourage each and every one of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. If you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost our egos too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro_'s here.

Or you could go here: http:// www. fanfiction. net / f / 273171 /

Just copy and paste; don't forget to remove the spaces.

_Tsudzuku!_


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer:

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest --- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, so please, call off your lawyers. As college students, we have no money. On the other hand, any specific author created characters created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further ado, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

_Read at your own risk._

-------------------------

**The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives**

_The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru_

Chapter 04:

Fighting Sucks

A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty

-------------------------

"This is so troublesome…" Shikamaru sighed in frustration. In front of him was an entire legion of heavily armed maids, with what he assumed to be the Head Maid up front. The leader in particular possessed an impressive number of sharp things in her hands, far more than it should be possible.

"What business does a human have here in the Scarlet Devil Mansion?"

"Ma'am, I assure you there's a reasonable ex—"

Whoa?!

His limbs were frozen by the awesome wave of killing intent that washed over him; far worse than anything he had ever encountered, it surpassed even the fight against the flute girl! This woman… this maid, she didn't just want to kill him – she wanted to utterly destroy him!

And why were her eyes red when they were blue moments ago?!

"Damn!" Shikamaru hissed as he dodged a sudden flurry of knives. Never before had he a great wish that he had trained with that Tenten girl, or for Neji to be here for his _Kaiten_ technique. At least then his chances of survival were much greater. Though it was just one woman throwing it all, the sheer volume of fire rivaled entire squads of ninja! Just who was this woman?!

And in a blink, his vision was filled with even more knives! Where did they come from?! A blink ago, there wasn't a single knife in the air, and now there were hundreds! When did she throw 'em? He didn't even see her throw those damn sharp, gleaming things that were coming right at…

"Shit!" Shikamaru spat, his hands coming together to form a handseal.

_Kawarimi no jutsu_!

In an explosion of smoke, a chair replaced where Shikamaru once was, immediately becoming a literal pincushion, before being pinned and shattered into smithereens against the far wall. Any hesitation, and that would've been him! But there was little time to ogle in fear for his planted smoke bomb suddenly exploded, filling the area with a dense cloud of dark gray colored smoke: his cue to escape.

_I am outta here_!

By the time the air had cleared sufficiently, all that was left of their intruder was the pile of junk and the still stunned Lily White. That poor fairy…

_Run_, _pineapple_-_head_. _Run_.

Of course, such a task was made much harder by the fact that the hallways seemed ridiculously long. Was there even an end to these halls?

"What's with this mansion?! Why is it so big?!" Shikamaru loudly voiced his questions, though he didn't expect to be answered. Thus, imagine his surprise when someone did.

"Do you really wish to know?" the small girl with bat wings was suddenly next to him, an amused look upon her face as she kept up with the boy effortlessly. Her feet didn't seem to even touch the floor. Wait. She's FLYING?! "I have an explanation for all of that. You see, there's a certain person that lives here who likes to toy with time and space..."

"God damn, woman! Tell me who!" Shikamaru wheezed out, completely ignoring the fact that one he was speaking to had some strange quirks about her. Those wings were functional, it seemed. Not to mention, she only looked around his age, so conferring a respectful title of "woman" to her might have been a bit much.

Oh well… can't win 'em all.

"The Maid," she responded nonchalantly, excusing his rude behavior as ignorance. Really, one could not expect a stranger to realize the standing of another, especially when not introduced to each other.

"_The_ _Maid_?" the chuunin repeated with healthy skepticism, doubt, and a good dose of disbelief.

"Head Maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion: Izayoi Sakuya," Shikamaru came to a full and complete stop as a familiar maid suddenly appeared in front of him to introduce herself.

"Oh…" Shikamaru managed to squeak out, now face to face with the young woman in question. He was just little over the girl's head in height, though that did little to reduce the eerie killing intent he could feel from the maid's crimson eyes. "………Hello."

Well, at least he had a name to go with the pretty face… though it was pretty darn scary to think she was gliding along in front of him.

"_Gokigen'yo_, _Painappuru Saru_-san."

A Good day to you, Pineapple Monkey-san?!

"_Maa_, Sakuya. Stop playing around and hurry it up," the little mistress yawned and floated by lazily. She didn't seem all that bothered by the ninja's attempts to escape and survive. In fact, she even seemed _amused_.

What?! When?! How?! How did they all catch up to him so fast! And why is it all the females here can fly for some reason?

"I apologize, Mistress. I will finish the job immediately," the silver-haired maid nodded her head and brought out another handful of blades. Gritting his teeth, Shikamaru stopped his vain run and responded by pulling out his own kunai, readying himself for whatever she could throw at him, literally.

"Oh? So the intruder dares to fight back?" she smirked, her other hand opening to reveal a sort of pocket-watch. Depressing one of the buttons on the watch, Shikamaru felt a sense of dread seeing the watch's hands cease movement. "_Muda da_! It's useless!"

The World?! It's frozen in time?!

"_Toki wo tomare_!" the maid sang as scores of knives appeared all around the trapped ninja, all aimed right at him. There were so many, he couldn't count them all! "Time has stopped!"

Oh shit. This could hurt big time.

Suddenly, Shikamaru's analytical mind kicked in with an amazing revelation! So as long as time was frozen, the knives could not move; she could only prepare a deadly trap, not execute! Thus, he still had a split second when time resumed to dodge!

Huh. Good thing he was a ninja; and thank the Gods for whoever invented the displacement technique. Without it, he would've long ago been dead.

The moment the flow of time reverted to normal, Shikamaru made the seal and displaced himself with a random painting. Instant pincushion and destruction of a potentially expensive piece of art, oh and there goes the floor boards too and the floor below, but hey, at least he wasn't dead.

And how fortuitous that the displacement placed him right next to a window! Score!

But there was no way to open it?

Screw opening it!

SMASH RIGHT THROUGH IT!

Shattered glass and wood splinters followed him out the building.

----------------------------

FREEDOM! Glorious freedom!

Ahh, fresh air had never smelled so wonderful. In fact, it seemed a lot cleaner here than back at home. Like the chuunin he was, Shikamaru landed without a sound and sprinted towards the only visible exit, that is straight towards the tree line. His relief and excitement rose with every step, especially since there wasn't anything around that tried to stop him.

"Halt, you suspicious man!"

Holy Zen, what now?! And why in Buddha did I actually stop running?

"I am the Door Guard of the Scarlet Devil Mansion-_aru_, Hong Meirin! Intruders will be dealt with extreme prejudice!" A red-haired girl wearing green and white traditional Chinese clothing and a starred beret jumped in front of him, landing in an unfamiliar fighting stance that Shikamaru could only describe as exotic. "HI-YAAAH!"

With that cry, she leapt into a flurry of kicks and punches that rattled the ninja's hastily thrown up defenses. Now, Shikamaru was never a great _taijutsu_ specialist like Rock Lee, nor was he particularly fast like the prince bastard Sasuke. However he was still a ninja, and he could hold his own.

Kick! Punch! Block!

Chop! Kick! Block!

Block! Turn and kick!

Duck! Duck again! Turn and jump kick! Follow through with a chop!

Punch! Again! And again!

Shit. Block block block block! KEEP BLOCKING DAMN IT.

He soon discovered that despite being a ninja, he was no combat specialist. He also discovered that he had sorely underestimated the skill of the door guard, an amateur mistake that shamed him. This Hong Meirin woman was far more skilled in martial arts than Rock Lee, and moved faster than a jounin!

"_HOUSHOUKEN KIIIIIIIIIIICKU_!"

Which meant he couldn't react in time to dodge the flying kick to the chest that smashed him backwards and upwards into a fantastic arc.

"Ah?! _Ai ya_! That's the wrong direction-_aru_!" Shikamaru could hear the woman cry out as he soared back towards the direction of the mansion, creating another pineapple-head shaped hole in the wall.

Maaan, at this rate he'd be more useful as a carpenter than a ninja.

----------------------------

Instead of the ridiculously long hallway he expected to forcibly enter, it was a ridiculously large room with barely any light. Taking his current angle into consideration, his speed and the downward acceleration of gravity, he should crash land right aboouuuut…

There.

**KRAKA-KABOOM!**

Let it be known to everyone that wood and paper does not make for a comfortable place to land on, especially when more comes bearing down on top of you. What seemed to be hundreds of other small but hard things dropped mercilessly onto his body, pummeling him relentlessly.

"Oww, damn! Troublesome women," Shikamaru muttered as he climbed out of his prison of fallen books. Looking around, he noticed that he was utterly and completely surrounded by towering stacks of books and walls of bookshelves, they too saturated with reading materials.

Huh. This could be a nice place to hang out in if it weren't for the fact that everyone on here was out for his blood. That really messed things up, that it did.

"_Mukyuu_! How dare you ruin all the work I've done," a quiet female voice drew Shikamaru's attention behind him. There was a single young woman with purple hair and wearing what seemed to be long lavender dress pajamas and a nightcap with a moon on it. In her thin, pale hands was a thick tomb with archaic writing on it.

Work? You were sitting there reading a book!

"Divine Punishment!" the girl announced, pointing her finger at Shikamaru. A spark of flame formed on the tip, quickly growing in size. "Fire Sign – Angi Shine!"

Huh. Today was Tuesday, wasn't it?

A literal whirlwind of fire blazed towards the hapless ninja, burning all in its path. Perhaps it was not the best choice to use in a place full of books, but it was indeed the most destructive here.

"GYAAAH! Don't use fire inside a library!" Shikamaru yelled as he dove out of the way of the inferno.

"_Mukyuu_! Stand still and receive your chastisement! Angi Shine!"

_**FOOM.**_

A well-placed _kawarimi _replaced him with a small table that took the wave of fire and was set ablaze. The displacement also served to shock the fire-spewing librarian, granting Shikamaru a valuable moment of freedom to get the hell out. Alas, much like the rest of the mansion, the library was indeed monstrously huge! Where the hell was he?! Behind him was that crazy librarian blasting waves of fire in a place full of wood and wood products, and here he was, lost!

Oh hey look. A door.

Yes! Exit!

Exeunt from the Librarium.

No! Maid army!

_THOCK THOCK THOCK_

The wall next to him was suddenly adorned with a trio of knives. It didn't take Shikamaru long to determine whom the culprit was, and as such, he responded accordingly by bolting in the opposite direction of the maids.

"Jeeeeeze! Cut me a break here!" Shikamaru complained as he dodged another handful of knives with a quick _kawarimi_. It seemed the gods did show **some** mercy, as there was a door coming up on his right, the only door visible in this hallway. And he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Almost ripping the door of its hinges, Shikamaru passed through in a leap of faith. However it seemed his faith was not enough, as there was no floor.

-------------------------

With a familiar feeling of freefall came the familiar outcry. Both the fall and yell lasted exactly two-point-seven seconds before Shikamaru made landfall on a incline plane with uniform outcroppings on it: stairs. Down and down the ninja went, rolling and tumbling painfully over every not-soft step. It seemed never-ending, ever bouncing agonizingly down. When at last, minutes later, he landed as an aching pile of tender flesh, relief and frustration washed over him.

Standing shakily, Shikamaru turned to glare at the seemingly endless flight of vile stairs.

How many damn steps did he fall down?! Ten thousand? And how the hell did he survive all that?! Arrrgh! This entire mansion was one massive paradox! And where was he, anyways? This was far too deep to be a normal cellar. Then again, he was in a mansion that was far larger than it should be, populated by an army of maids, a door guard, and a pyro-librarian! What else could this mansion hide?

"_Hehehe_!"

A haunting chill ran down his spine at the feather-light, childlike, giggle that echoed through the cellar. The feeling someone was watching him was immensely strong, and he could've _sworn_ he saw a flash of rainbow-colored light. There was definitely something down here with Shikamaru, and it scared him more than any battle he had fought before.

"This is troublesome," the _chuunin_'s voice shuddered in the room's abnormal cold. Or maybe… it was his own fear chilling his body. "This is so damn troublesome…"

Shikamaru had no idea.

"Play! Play! Let's play, _tee hee hee_!"

_-------------------------_

To be continued…

_-------------------------_

Author's Notes:

Whew. Finally got that done with. Look forward to the next one!

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and every one of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. If you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	5. Chapter 5

-------------------------

Disclaimer:

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest --- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue us! We're just college students with too much free time on our hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters we created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further ado, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

-------------------------

**The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives**

_The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru_

Chapter 05:

Agatha Christie Sucks

A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty

-------------------------

Shikamaru was never a religious person. In fact, he was not a superstitious person either, which was probably why he never got into religion in the first place. But since he did not get involved with any of the above group think crowds, the young _chuunin_ was finding it very difficult to come to grips with the reality of his present situation.

This place sure as Buddha's gleaming golden forehead was not _Konoha_ anymore. His pleasant, peaceful blue and white sky had been robbed from his cloud watching pleasure. Instead, he was drowning in darkness, not literally mind you, but when he could not even see himself, that was the first metaphor that came to mind.

Granted, his ninja instincts were telling him flat out that this had to be some kind of illusion, a trick, because just moments ago he had been able to make something of his surroundings. He ended up in this freakin' huge cavernous after falling down the longest flight of stairs in his life, and there was somebody down here with him, whom with 120 percent accuracy had to be female.

Very likely, she turned out the lights on him, leaving him fumbling around in the dark, and oh, here was the best part: she wanted to play with him. Yes. Play. With. Him. Now, considering the track record of the females he had run into here so far, her definition of "play" by virture of his gut instinct was of a different alien logic altogether, meaning...

He was screwed.

On cue, a loud, melancholy haunting note made itself known, like it had been played out of an over the top Gothic pipe organ (what was a pipe organ anyway?). The tune was "Dracula" no doubt (when did he listen to Dracula? What was a dracula?), and it put Shikamaru on edge. He braced himself for the worst, though he was as blind as a bat, and the music being played now robbed him of his fine hearing.

He was not an Inuzaka, so smell was out of the question. Besides, something about the scent of the air already made him feel uneasy, like a bad case of deja vu. The idea was right on the tip of his tongue; it smelled just like...

_Drip_.

Blood.

Suddenly, the darkness gave way to a bleeding sunset that bathed the desolate landscape in crimson. Nothing grew here. The few trees here and there were broken and dead, much like the grisly grotesque mounds of skulls, mangled limbs, body parts, and gore littered about haphazardly. Hopefully, despite its vivid imagery, what he was seeing and experiencing firsthand was just an illusion for their were obvious discrepancies that did not fit the chain of events that led up to this moment.

For example, how was he "stepping" on this pool of blood and water, without breaking the surface? Even with the best _chakra_ control in the world, nobody could use the water walking technique without disturbing the surface of water. Shikamaru was dead certain he was not using the said technique either, consciously; so all the more reason to believe it was an illusion.

Not to mention, when the hell did he get a "Heads Up Display" that showed his vital signs, _chakra _reserves, remaining weaponry, and had a targeting reticule to boot? What was a "Heads Up Display" anyways?

"Welcome, welcome! To my _Scarlet Taboo_, ahahaha!" a feminine shriek cried out an instant before the shockwave of an explosion rippled through the area, throwing him off his feet and onto the invisible plane.

A flash of white, and there: a cross of flame erupted from the writhing surface bloodwater just fifty yards off, the jet wash from the heat washing over him in a tidal wave. It was an unpleasant hot wash that left his exposed skin tingling and blushing red, but that was the least of Shikamaru's concerns. He was more worried about the person coming out that inferno, and it did not help that:

She was flying, with ironshod "wings" that could not possibly be capable of sustained flight.

It was another one of those crazy levitating females, and this one had blood red eyes just like the one they called "Mistress."

"Ooo, ooo! Who are you, who are you?" the blonde-haired girl pointed at him, younger than him but he had a feeling appearances were not at all what they seemed to be here.

Picking himself off the invisible floor, the_ chuunin _decided to humor his newest "captor", hoping she would give him enough time to properly anaylze the situation. "Nobody important. Just a boy."

"A _boy_? What's a b-o-y?"

Oh, Buddha, is this one completely psychotic too?

"Flandre has never seen a b-o-y before... Hmmm, never, hmm... Ah, you look DIFFERENT! Different from China, Sakuya, the maids, Patchouli, and Sister... sis..."

Shikamaru picked up on the girl's agitation easily. Her body language and the tones she spoke in was completely childish and open, rapid dilation of the pupil, trembling limbs, heightened breathing, hands balled into fists, which was why he deduced all too accurately that something had just gone terribly wrong. Maybe it was not such a good idea to get the girl talking.

"Sister...sis... WHERE'S MY SISTER?!" she howled, and the land lit ablaze to cinder in a paranormal firestorm.

The chuunin staggered away, trying to avoid the gouts of steam and froth bubbling up from the super heated bloody water beneath his feet. Now, he really wished he knew how to fly, like the crazy women here. Up in the corner of his illusionary HUD, he could see his health beginning to drop; if the girl did not kill him first with her own hands, the indirect effects of her power would easily roast him alive.

Despite the circumstance, Shikamaru resolved to use diplomacy one last time, considering his less than advantageous position. He shouted up at her, "Who's your Sister?"

"R-Remi! ...Remilia! ...Why --- WHY? Why won't she come see Flandre! WHY? So lonely, so cold..._ ku_!"

Are those tears of blood genuine? Holy Zen, her nails! They are actually elongating into claws! Those fangs. And --- and why are those jewels attached to those winged growths from her back, starting to sparkle? It's like --- it's like looking at a crystalline rainbow!

_Oh Buddha, what am I doing?_ thought Shikamaru in alarm. This isn't the time to be gawking like an idiot! She's getting ready to...

"...burn...Burn. B-o-y's...fault... B-o-y's fault! Burn. BURN EVERYTHING! That way, haha, that way, Flandre's _heart _be warm again, tee hee hee!"

The chuunin knew he had no choices left, save for the grim inevitability. There was nowhere to run for as far as his eyes could see there was only flame and red. If there was any hope for a way out, his only option was to go straight through **her**, never mind she was levitating off the ground a good fifty meters, making his shadow-based _ninjutsu _useless.

Here goes...

"**Taboo**: _Laevatein_, the Wand of Destruction!"

A nonsense twisted wand, big enough to pass for a staff, with a curvy arrow head appeared in Flandre's hand in a shower of flames. The mad killing intent in her eyes—no, destruction was more like it—gleamed with a visible red aura. Waves of awe inspiring fear threatened to overpower him, but the _chuunin_ could not afford to falter now for the girl drew back her wand in preparation for an attack.

"Aha-haha, burn to a crisp!"

Flandre slashed down at his direction, and sure enough, a jet of—well, Shikamaru could not call it fire anymore—brilliant crimson "lightning", burning just as bright as the sun, came screaming out of the tip. He was so mesmerized he almost forgot to dodge, diving out of the way in the nick of time. But the _chuunin_ did not get away scott-free for he could smell the burnt stench from singed, almost melting back of his vest, the mildly flame retardant material no match for the intense heat.

If it had been a direct hit… well, he would not be around to think about the macabre possibilities. Alas, the direct effects of the "death beam" was not the only thing Shikamaru had to worry about for its wake came a new problem altogether. Trailing in from behind the beam were crimson orbs of, what he assumed to be excess energy in some form left by the beam, drifting dumbly through the air, and losing altitude. At first glance, they seemed harmless, beautiful in their perfection as spheres, but the moment they touched one another or landed on the invisible floor...

**Boom**.

Yes, the little pricks were dangerously volatile --- well, make that explosive. Despite her apparent insanity, it seemed he underestimated Flandre: a normal person would have no way of getting through that "floating minefield", and she could just patiently sit back and roast them alive. Oh, and look --- she was already winding up for a second strike.

"Burn! Tee hee hee, Burn!"

Fortunately, Shikamaru was not a normal person. All he had to was time this just right, calculate the angle, speed up the hand seals, and… there!

"_Ninpou_: _Shunshin no Jutsu_!"

In an instant, the _chuunin _disappeared in flicker of movement, moments before the invisible ground he stood upon was obliterated in crimson glory. He deduced there was a slight time delay between the beam impacting its target and the dispersal of the energy mines generated by the excess power but into the initial attack. A less audacious individual might have simply advanced forward, hoping to make a run for it as the mines came down right on top of him, but Nara Shikamaru had a different idea in mind.

As the saying goes, "He who dares, wins."

The sudden appearance of knuckle-clenched fist to her face probably came as a rather traumatic shock to Flandre, cutting her manic laughter short with a gurgling choke. Now, he was not too sure how hard he hit the girl, but as he was powering through the rest of his blow with a decisive follow-through, he could have sworn he broke her nose. In any case, the sudden impact combined with his humble strength was enough to snap her head clean back and send her falling in a beautiful parabolic arc heads over heels.

The landing probably was not too kind to her either. She crumpled rather painfully into the invisible floor, limbs splaying all over the place, before she ended up in a less than dignified position: face planted to the deck and her rear propped up to the sky by her knees. Thankfully, the females around here at least had enough sense to wear bloomers underneath, or the sudden nosebleed might have robbed him of his advantage.

His return back to invisible terra firma done, Shikamaru readied a kunai, just in case his subject continued to resist. Granted, he figured his chances were pretty good that Flandre was not about to get up or wake up any time soon. He was sorely disappointed when the crazy girl twitched, a suffering sob escaping from her battered body.

"Y-You… you… _hic_… M-mean… you meanie, _uuuu_!"

Silence.

Well, Shikamaru certainly had not been expecting an anti-climatic end. He had managed to take the fight of Flandre with just one decisive strike, when he expected her to keep chugging along non-stop, hurling more of that "death lightning" and flames at him all day long, like a psychotic maniac. Instead, what the _chuunin_ got was a hurt, sniveling child wailing like a baby.

With her out of the picture, the landscape oddly enough returned back to normal per say: no more crimson, flames, devastation, and vice-versa. They were back in the dark cellar again, except for whatever reasons Shikamaru had managed to find that long flight of stairs he had fallen down earlier, and badly adorned lanterns lighted the area around the stairs and all the way up. It would have been easy to leave, if he did not have a good conscience.

_Thank you, __kaa-san, for nurturing in me unnecessary feelings of sympathy towards females in distress_, thought the _chuunin_ with a troubled sigh. _I ought to walk away right now, before the situation becomes anymore troublesome._

But, he could not, so Shikamaru reluctantly stored away his kunai, and trotted over the crying girl. Flandre was sitting up now, just at the edge of the light, cradling her face like it was the most precious thing in the world. Granted to most females he had met, be they women or girls, their vanity was always a sticking point, so her actions came as to no surprise.

"Uh, hey, you okay there?" he hazarded a rather dumb line of conversation. Of course, she was not okay, but how else was he supposed to break the ice?

"..._hic_...M-Me...Meanie! ...Your...y-your fault..._hic_..._uuuu_," came her rather high pitched and nasally reply.

Figures, this was not going to be easy at all, not to mention he was probably going to have to break it down baby style.

"Okay, okay, Shikamaru's sorry. Flandre tried to kill Shikamaru, so Shikamaru had to fight, okay?"

"M-Meanie! Meanie! ..._hic_...Meanie!"

Oh Buddha, why is she so hysterical? It could not have hurt that bad, could it?

"Flandre, could Flandre please show Shikamaru Flandre's face? Shikamaru promise not to laugh. Shikamaru want to help."

Ugh, if Chouji and Ino ever hear about this, nobody in _Konoha _would ever let him live it down. He surely was not going to tell anybody about this crazy acid-trip adventure. Hell, Shikamaru was still convinced this was all a bad daydream!

"...R..._hic_...really?"

"Shikamaru promise."

Thankfully, "baby style" did the trick, proving his hypothesis that despite her perceived insanity, Flandre was very much so a child. Granted, he did not know if he would want a little sister as powerful as her, dogging him everywhere, but he supposed she was not too much trouble as long as she was not dead set on "playing to death." Seeing Flandre's face, however, finally managed to convince him utterly that the people he was dealing with were not human at all.

There was no way a human being could heal a broken nose in under a minute unassisted. The metabolism of human cells were not fast enough to repair the damage, which is a good thing, as with proper medical care, the broken bone needed to be reset first, before the healing process could begin properly. Flandre's body, on the other hand, did not care about things like that, leaving the broken bone adorned in fresh flesh jutting off to the side, no doubt causing her more pain by the look of pure misery in her glistening crimson eyes.

It was a tricky situation, but considering he caused the bloody mess, Shikamaru felt he had no choice but to fix it. Oh Buddha, he does not get paid enough to deal with troublesome things like...well, this... "Flandre, Flandre's nose healed wrong. That's why Flandre hurting. Shikamaru have to break Flandre's nose again to fix Flandre's nose. Okay?"

Gaping shock spread across her bloodied face instantly at the idea of imminent pain. She flinched away, skirting back a pace, with her arms held before in a decidedly defensive feminine posture that made the _chuunin_ feel like a villain. By the Buddha, did she honestly have to make this anymore difficult?

"Flandre," he tried again, "Shikamaru has to fix Flandre's nose. Or else, Flandre won't grow up to be pretty, okay? Shikamaru promise not to laugh. Flandre can cry on Shikamaru's shoulder until Flandre stops hurting, and Shikamaru promise to take care of Flandre. Okay?"

Holy Zen, Shikamaru could not believe he just said that...that had to be the most cheesy line to come out of his mouth, period. Too bad, it actually worked, and the winged girl gave her consent with a sullen nod. Who knew playing to a woman's vanity would work to his favor?

Now, he did not fancy getting blood on his hands. For starters, it was unsanitary and he did not have any water on him, so that meant he had have to wipe that stuff off on his trousers. Worse yet, the scent of the stuff was going to cling to him, give his position away in close proximity, or make it ridiculously easy for a tracker to find him. Still, he kneeled down and did the deed.

It was not pleasant, and he could hear the wrench of the bone snapping, accompanied by the squish of flesh and streaming blood. The chuunin was afraid his "patient" would lunge out at him or some such, but she remarkably bared the pain long enough for him to set her nose straight and let her regenerative powers take over the rest, a mere whimper escaping her lips. A fascinating sight, honestly, if he had been a medic nin to see any patient heal so fast unaided, though once it was done and Flandre had her cute little nose back, the girl positively pounced on him.

Oh, how she cried and cried, her nails (which had reverted back to nails thankfully, though they were still sharp!) digging into his padded chuunin vest. When he got back home, Shikamaru swore he was going to take his vest to an armorer first thing and get it properly "up armored" to his tastes. The flimsy thing as is had barely protected him at all, according to his health indicator that had dropped down to a rather cautious orange state.

He never really had to comfort anyone before, so the situation was rather odd. Still, the chuunin imagined now was a good time as any to put to practice all those lovey dovey things Ino was always harping about from her favorite soap teen dramas and such. Shikamaru embraced the sobbing girl, making careful note to avoid her wings, as he gently rubbed the small of her back (granted, he would have preferred her shoulders, but that's where her wings came out from, so yeah), whispering niceties to her like:

"There, there."

And...

"Just let it all out."

And, you know...

"It'll feel better soon."

Personally, Shikamaru felt that there was no way cheesy one-liners like that could ever work. Still, he kept at it, and waited, and waited some more; before he knew it, time was lost to him, and he had zoned out quite pleasantly, just staring straight ahead. It was only on the onset of a childish giggle that snapped him fully awake, and the dreadful words that accompanied Flandre's good cheer:

"A boy isn't so bad, _tee hee hee_. The first time somebody played with Flandre. The first time somebody helped Flandre; took care of Flandre Scarlet. A boy isn't so bad!"

Oh Buddha... tears.. .not blood... real tears... Oh man, this is going to be troublesome.

-------------------------

He did not know how much time had passed by the time he finished his long hike up the ten-thousand steps out of the cellar, but it was morning, and boy, Shikamaru tired. Of course, the climb up had been tedious, but thanks to his, well, unexpected "friendship" with Flandre Scarlet, a "vampire" old enough to be his great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother, despite her gothic lolita appearance of some nine years of age.

Anyways, some fluke of cosmic bad luck had transported him transported to a land far, far, far away beyond the boundaries of his native homeland, a place called "Gensokyo." It was a fantastic land where beasts and monsters, fairy tales came true, and more of the imagination came to life freely roamed the countryside, with human beings at the bottom of the food chain and the supernatural _youkai _on top. At the moment, the _chuunin_ was presently in the auspices of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and its devilish residents.

He had already met all of the key personalities too, who made their home here: there was the door guard, Hong Meirin, a rather **human **youkai (from what Flandre told him) who supremely kicked the _taijutsu _out of him. How could he forget the chief maid, Izayoi Sakuya, who was a human supposedly (and a new face who only joined the staff recently), with her fetish for knives and playing around with space and time? The devil girl, Koakuma, who was an assistant to Patchouli Knowledge, the resident scholar, de-facto librarian, magician, alchemist, and _hikkikomori_ that tried to fry him.

And of course, there were the Scarlet sisters, the owners of the mansion. They were both vampires with Remilia, who he met earlier with the blue hair, the elder at over five hundred years of age, and Flandre, the younger at four hundred ninety-five. According to Flandre, she has been living in the basement now for four hundred eighty-six years (for being a "crazy", her memory and sense of time was eerily accurate), and hadn't had any real social contact, until he came around. Everything she knew was based on gossip she was able to "play" out of the maids who came down to feed her every other day or so, or what little she was able to learn before being sent to live in the basement.

Now, why on earth was Flandre living in the basement, while her elder sister was living in luxury upstairs Shikamaru did know yet, but he intended to find out. Something about the bizarre situation and the equally bizarre vampire girl struck him wrong. He was no righteous ally of the weak or some hyped up nonsense like that, but thanks to his upbringing, injustice simply could not be ignored. The _chuunin_ resolved to understand the reasons for it, and then, he would decide what to do, even if none of this was his business at all.

Hell, he was still in denial!

Feeling the light of the sun again in the wee hours of the morning was a godsend. It was just daybreak outside, and the hallway felt largely abandoned. Looking behind him, there was no door at all stopping anyone from coming and going out of the basement, just a dark foreboding stairway that descended into the pitch-black abyss. Likely, it was only out of good faith Flandre never left, but he did not doubt that the dark mistress of mansion had her contingency plans in such an event.

In any case, Shikamaru was exhausted, his muscles aching, and there was not a living soul in sight. His health indicator said he was in the red, rather shoddy and dangerous; what he would give right now for some water, food, and a good rest. Problem is, his mission objectives have changed rather drastically since his initial panicked run for survival.

Survival was still on the list, but he had gained a better grasp of the situation, and had some idea that he could put up a decent fight against these supernatural women. Flandre was proof that they are still only flesh and blood, granted he had no idea what she was talking about when she mentioned "_Danmaku_" and "Curtain Fire Play", but if they can be hurt and deterred from fighting that was good enough for him. More importantly, he needed to talk with Remilia and find a way home.

Gensokyo could not be that far away from the Elemental Countries now, could it?

"Mm-mmm! Such a nostalgic smell, _that _Flandre's scent," a haughty voice cooed in his ears.

Nara Shikamaru froze dead as a nail. If he were not a ninja, he would have relieved himself in his trousers, as that hot breath sang against his neck, and a pair of petite arms looped themselves over his shoulders. The scent was unmistakably cinnamon with a dash of coppery blood on the side; someone's been enjoying herself, but how the hell did she find him so quickly?

Oh, that's right. Flandre's blood. They were sisters after all, and Remilia Scarlet would certainly take notice if some human (the equivalent of cattle to vampires) came walking out of her basement, with a dose of her younger sister's blood on it.

"Now, now; what could a human—no, no, no, tsk-tsk!—a **boy** have done to Flandre, who even I cannot touch?"

Shikamaru gulped. At this range, he would be alive long enough to see his own head detached from his body (or was it the other way around) before his head hit the floor. How was he supposed to get out of this conundrum?

Think!

"_Tee hee hee_, how fun; how interesting! It would be such a terrible, horrid **waste** to kill you, don't you think so?"

...oh no.

"Come to think of it, I wonder what the blood of a **boy** tastes like, hmm?"

He did not even get a chance to flinch. It was painless, not even a prick, when the blood splattered out. Was it some kind of ultra-fast acting narcotic? Painkiller? ..._Euphoria_.

And then, there was darkness.

-------------------------

To be continued...

-------------------------

Author's Notes:

The WAFF melts my soul.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and every one of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. If you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	6. Chapter 6

-------------------------

Disclaimer:

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest --- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue us! We're just college students with too much free time on our hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters we created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further ado, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

_Read at your own risk._

-------------------------

**The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives**

_The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru_

Chapter 06:

Waking Up Sucks

A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty

-------------------------

Ah… the wondrous state of unconsciousness.

Sleep was a commodity that Nara Shikamaru valued greatly, so much so that he would often complain about the rising sun and his incessant mother waking him every morning. Thus, it was a rare and usually bad event for him to resist blissful darkness and fight to awaken. However, considering how recent events played out and certain troublesome elements, there was no question as to why the_ chuunin_ would want to stay awake. There were things that were best not left unchecked…

Like a certain red-eyed noble with bat wings and a maid army.

With a great gasp, Shikamaru awoke with a start and sat up in a jolt. His heart pounded rapidly, each beat throbbing in his ears. A cold sweat clung to his skin as he breathed in quick, deep lungfuls of air to calm his heart. His throat was dry, but the rest of him felt oddly rejuvenated. Bringing a hand up to his neck, he felt around for a wound he barely remembered receiving. That damn vampire girl did something, but whatever it was, all traces of it were gone.

"Wha—where—" he looked around the room, reversing the disorientation from such a sudden wake-up. It seemed like a pretty standard single-bed room: desk, dresser, bed, chair, lamp; basic commodities like those found in any guest room. The problem was, whose guest was he?

"Jeeeeeze," Shikamaru drawled out as he sighed. "This is way beyond troublesome…"

He brought up a hand to rub his face and wipe the sweat off, noting idly that he would need to change dress shirts and maybe a fresh suit jacket. …

Wait. Dress shirt? Suit jacket? What was he wearing!?

With dread filling him, the chuunin threw off the sheets and comforter. Oh no. Dress pants and shiny dress shoes too?! He spotted a mirror close by and resisted the urge to _shunsen_ to it. It was oddly difficult to stay calm, but he had to examine himself.

…Yep. Most troublesome indeed.

No longer was the pineapple-head clad in his usual apparel of chuunin vest, gray and sage green shirt, mesh undershirt, black pants and ninja shoes (heck, even his shuriken pouch and holsters were missing.) Instead, he possessed the garb of a high-class butler: excessively neat and straight midnight suit jacket and pants, pristine white dress shirt, glaringly shiny black dress shoes, and an annoyingly complex blood red tie that seemed deceptively simple.

All he needed was a little gold pin and he'd be a shoo-in for a lawyer of some sort too.

The sound of a door opening caused him to whirl around quickly, reaching for a kunai that was no longer there. Instead, he just patted an empty pocket. Crap crap crap crap.

And to his further anxiety and a touch of fear, she who entered was the Head Maid, Izayoi Sakuya, time witch extraordinaire.

"Oi. What the hell is going on? Where are my clo—EEEE!" Shikamaru let out an unnatural shriek, as he had to duck to avoid a sudden barrage of knives flying at his face.

_THOCK THOCK THOCK._

Behind him, past where his head would have been, were three gleaming knives that hungered for his blood.

"No complaints. We are going to see the Mistress immediately. Come along," she said with a swish of her dress and a flick of her hair. It was like second nature for her to flick a knife to anyone that would dare to refuse her orders, and that made him shiver. Not so much as the you're-gonna-die part, but more of the how quickly, easily and willingly she threw the blades.

Ruthless, troublesome woman, but Shikamaru dared not voice that out loud.

Instead:

"Y-yeah. Alright. Lead the way then," he felt it was best to just let things go for now, lest he become a pincushion.

With a satisfied nod, Sakuya gestured for the boy to follow her. There was still quite a distance between them and their destination. Actually, a ridiculous distance -- he couldn't even see the end of the hallway!

"Well? Come along."

"About that… I can't do that," Shikamaru pointed at her, of who seemed to gain several feet of height on him. Bloody troublesome woman.

"What? …Oh." Sakuya seemed oddly shocked at a fact that suddenly became apparent. She was floating a few feet in the air, while Shikamaru remained firmly rooted to the ground. "You can't fly?"

"Err… no. I do not possess the ability nor know how to."

"You are as useless as that door guard," Sakuya sighed as she crossed her arms. "Fine then. Give me a moment."

Watching space warp is a really weird thing to see, especially when it happens right in front of you in real time and you know exactly why it happened. It was like the zoom feature in a camera, moving at speed so fast Shikamaru reflexively ducked, thinking the table at the end of the hallway would go flying from it all. And like that, with a wobble of the world "bouncing" back to their original non-altered state (how or even _why_ it happened, Shikamaru decided not to think too hard about, lest he make his brain explode), everything suddenly seemed… reasonable.

Every physicist that ever lived just rolled over in his or her graves, the normally untouchable time-space fabric altered with just a thought. At least now, the world looked completely normal. What at first were kilometers-long halls suddenly became an easy one hundred meters of travel.

"Is this acceptable?" Sakuya tapped a foot against the ground.

Uh oh. Better answer quickly!

"Yes, actually. Thank you very much, Izayoi-san," Shikamaru decided that politeness would be better for him than his usual behavior.

"Hmm."

The walk was in uncomfortable silence, though Shikamaru wasn't exactly sure how to break the ice. Tactically, he was in a very bad situation. Unarmed and lacking any of his ninja gear, he was stuck deep inside hostile territory full of super-powered maids, a librarian, and two masters of the house (well, only one since he was in the good graces of the other). Oh, and that whats-her-name door guard, but she was inconsequential. Having lost the element of surprise, his repertoire of jutsu were severely reduced in effectiveness, and really, how could _anyone_ deal with a person that controls time?

Maaaan... should've paid more attention to Ibuki when dealing with capture and escape... so troublesome.

"We are here," the head maid's voice interrupted his thoughts.

Before him were a pair of grandiose wooden doors, intricate patterns painstakingly carved into the wood then stained a luxurious dark red. There was a dominantly bat motif all over the door, but it did not seem all too malevolent. Rather, it seemed artistic instead of malicious. A good sign, he supposed. The maid knocked twice, a dull but echoing noise.

Without warning, the doors creaked open slowly, revealing a large dark room illuminated by many candles. The windows were covered by thick and heavy drapes -- not even a shred of light could pierce through. This brought another question to the chuunin: what time was it? For that matter, what day? How long had he been out?

There was no chance for him to ask, however.

"Well? Go on."

It was troublesome, but he no choice.

-------------------------

"My lady, I have brought him," Sakuya announced once they had entered.

"Wonderful, Sakuya. Please leave us, now. Our guest deserves a little privacy during our conversation," the dainty and noble voice of "the master" was surprisingly soft in the large room. From the shadows came the familiar pink dress, bat wings, and diminutive stature of the mistress of the house, Remilia Scarlet.

"As you wish, Mistress," the maid bowed and stepped out of the room, but not before giving Shikamaru a chilling look and a silent promise to flay him alive if he were to misbehave. The boy gulped in response, not really sure if he had read her right. After all, it could be even worse.

"_Ara ara_, it's about time you woke up, Shikamaru-san," through the dim lighting brought on by the numerous candles in the room, the figure of Remilia Scarlet was slightly visible.

"Yes, well, it's -- wait how do you know my name?"

"_Ufufufu_! Silly boy, I can see the fate of others, from their past to their future! I know you are Shikamaru of the Nara clan, specializing in shadow jutsu. You come from the Hidden Village of the Leaf, and you are one of the ninja guarding that place. A newly promoted _Chuunin_, too! My, you have lived quite an eventful, if a bit _**lazy**_, life."

Damn girl was really creeping him out now! It felt like no secret of his was safe around her, as if those blood red eyes could see right into his soul.

"...So it seems you know me very well," he started, struggling to keep his voice from cracking. "_Remilia Scarlet_-san."

"Oh? How did – _oh_, it must have been that troublesome Flandre. Really, _that girl_ talks too much," the vampire girl huffed, pouting cutely. "Well, no harm done. It is only less for me to explain, then."

Ah! That's right! Now he remembered. He would have to talk to this girl in order to find a way back home.

"Remilia-sama," he opted to go with a respectful tone if he was going to be asking something of this girl. "I was wondering..."

"Tsk-tsk! Let us sit down and rest a little, Shikamaru-san," the girl interrupted him and gestured towards a small table with two places already set. A single gorgeously designed ceramic teapot sat next to a silver tray of baked treats and a small sugar bowl. It did seem rather inviting... "Then, we may talk."

Shikamaru complied with the invitation, but remained cautious. He was dealing with a devil trickster here, wholly unlike any he had dealt with before. Every word he spoke, every gesture, would have to be carefully thought out, lest she twist them around. Also, the possibility of angering her and calling down righteous feminine fury (it's always righteous, regardless of what happened) upon his hapless soul was a strong deterrent against careless speech. Thank the gods he was not Naruto...

The girl was gracious enough to pour him a cup of tea, but did not do the same for herself. Why? Was the tea poisoned? It would be best not to touch it then...

"Before we come to your matters, perhaps you can answer one of my questions? What happened between you and my younger sister, of whom not even I can touch? You had her blood on you, her scent. Perhaps you should explain just how you managed to survive."

Younger sister? Ah, Flandre. That blonde-haired little girl with a perchance for bloody berserk violence... though past the insanity was a rather cute girl that just needed some love and attention... wait why was he thinking of such things? He was no babysitter, damn it. Someone else could take up that job, preferably with ability to survive one of her temper tantrums.

"Ah. Flandre Scarlet; yes. Err, so after I ran away from your maid and ducked into the cellar, I unceremoniously fell down to the bottom. There, I met Flandre face to face, though she did seem pleased to have a visitor. After mentioning you, though, she went berserk and starting flinging _danmaku_ at me. Being one unfamiliar with it, I reacted in a way to end the battle as quickly as possible with minimal injury to myself... I.. uh..."

"Yes?"

"I, uh..." he squirmed in his seat, unsure how to word it without him getting blasted. "I... punched Flandre. In the nose. Broke it too."

There was a pregnant pause, visibly indicated so by a line of big black dots suddenly ticking there way across the air above them.

"...You. Punched. Flandre?" Remilia's voice dropped several degrees, causing Shikamaru to shiver despite his best attempts to control his body. "And you _broke_ her **nose**?! The killing intent he felt from her was completely suffocating, pinning him to the ground and choking the air out of him. So strong! Quickly, the _chuunin_ pushed his seat backwards a bit and bowed as low as he could from a sitting position.

And a hint of jealousy? Why?

"I am really really sorry for what I did. Really, I am. I already apologized to Flandre, and I believe she's forgiven me," Shikamaru spoke quickly to appease the vampire girl. He did not like groveling so much, but really, could anyone blame him? He was quite possibly the only man to ever face Remilia Scarlet in such a way, walking that knife's edge so as to not anger her. Terror gripped him harder now than never before.

_Please, please, don't blast danmaku...!_

"I can hear your heartbeat, you know. It's beating wildly. Are you afraid, Shikamaru-san? Are you afraid of me?" Remilia spoke quietly, barely loud enough for him to hear.

"Yes. I am afraid. I am afraid of you and what you can do to me," Shikamaru gulped. It took a lot for him to admit it so readily, but right now, pride had no place in his heart. He had to live. "And I have never been so afraid before in my life."

"Hmm..." she hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose I went a little overboard with that. Very well then. I will overlook your transgression against my blood, since she has generously forgiven you. However, it would do you well to never raise your hand against any one here ever again."

"Yes ma'am. Thank you, ma'am," the ninja sighed in relief. He could live a little longer now...

"Now, about your request...?"

Oh wow. He had almost completely forgotten about that amongst all the fear that crushed him.

"Oh. Err, right. You already know that I am a stranger here. I ask of you humbly: do you know of a way to get me home? And is it within your generous charity to help me do so?"

"Hmmm, hmmm..." Remilia hummed with a gradually growing smile. She was definitely planning something, and Shikamaru wasn't sure if he was going to like it.

"Indeed, I can help you find a way home. However, I do not like performing tasks for free. For this favor, I ask that you in return perform a series of tasks for myself and other residents of the mansion. Equivalent exchange, you see. I am a fair person, and I do see that hard work is rewarded."

Huh. Well that didn't seem too bad sounding. What was the worst she could do? Actually, no, don't anyone answer that.

"Perhaps you can fulfill one of those favors now, Shikamaru-san?"

"I suppose. What is it?"

The tea pot was pushed towards him, the top open and revealing the hot beverage inside. A deep sniff of the brew told him that the tea was exquisite beyond compare, its quality far beyond anything he had ever had. Stuff like this would've cost him at least an entire C-class mission, or even a B-class's pay! Moments later, a small but elaborately decorated and gem-encrusted stiletto dagger slid next to the pot.

"Cut yourself and bleed into the tea. Only a little bit, please"

"W-what? What kinda request is that—"

"Do not refuse your master, _human_," she scolded firmly, her eyes seeming to glow in the dark room. "Do as I say."

Strange. Very strange. A strange feeling it was. As if his mind were made of cotton, fuzzy and indistinct; like taking a backseat in his mind, seeing everything through grainy film while someone else moved for him. Was he caught in a _genjutsu_? What was... going... on...?

"_Yes_, _my lady_," he mumbled in a daze, picking up the small knife and stabbing into a finger. Immediately bright red blood oozed from the wounds, dripping into the pot and changing the tea into a darker shade of red. Still dazed, he then wrapped his finger up and stirred the pot with a nearby spoon. He finished up by capping the teapot and personally pouring Remilia a cup of tea. It was not until he sat down again that he snapped back to attention, his awareness returning in an instant.

"What the— What was that? What did you do?"

"Hmm? Whatever do you mean? I merely requested that you mix a bit of your blood into the tea, and your performed the job admirably," Remilia feigned ignorance and picked up the fresh cup, smelling the brew appreciatively. "See your hand? You did it yourself."

Looking down at his hand, it was confirmed that his left pointer finger was indeed pierced by that dagger, though now the bleeding had stopped. A feeling of revulsion spiked in his gut momentarily as realized what he had done.

"I-I understand you're a vampire, but why my blood? Don't you have a big storage bin somewhere full of the stuff?"

"Ahh, but your blood tasted so sweet and refreshingly tangy, like a pineapple fruit!" she smiled demurely and sipped at the cup of tea. "Mmm. Delicious. This is quickly becoming one of my favorites."

"Is... is that so?" to be honest, Shikamaru was not sure if he was to feel proud, humble, disturbed, or sickened by the fact that she found his blood to be '_delicious_.' And why did it have to taste like pineapple?! Unable to look at her anymore without feeling sick, the ninja instead focused onto his lap... the dark midnight blue lap.

"…I have another question. Why was I dressed in this sort of clothing?"

"Oh that? It was custom-made by one of the maids. Your old clothing was quite dirty and ruined by all that running around and blood. I felt you would need a fresh change of clothing. I figured you would have not liked to be dressed in a maid's uniform, so that suit was produced. Besides, it is suited for your future job."

"Job?"

"For someone so intelligent, I am surprised you haven't realized it!" she did not seem to shocked, however. In fact, she seemed to be almost mocking.

"Eh?"

"Why, you are to become a butler in my mansion, Shikamaru-san! In my opinion, it will be the quickest way for you to complete the tasks set before you."

A... butler? Here?! Dealing with the maid brigade, the crazy knife-toting head maid, a vindictive librarian, a super-powered younger sister and a mind-controlling older sister every single damn day?!

Oh and that door guard. What's her name again?

It seemed his fate was to be bossed around by women, be it in Konoha with his mother, Ino and the Godaime, or here in Gensokyo with the Scarlet Devil Mansion. With a small groan, the _chuunin_ dropped his head onto the table unceremoniously. How he wished that it wasn't the case. This place was a madhouse, the people here insane. But he had no other choice. To get home in the quickest of manners, he had to go along with this.

"Congratulations, Shikamaru! **My** Combat Butler."

...This was so goddamn troublesome...

Wait, was there not something he wanted to do for Flandre by talking to her sister? Like, find out something about…them? Ah crap, he could not remember! It was --- something important. But what was it?

-------------------------

To be continued...

-------------------------

Author's Notes:

Shikamaru's in for a whacky and wild ride.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and every one of you

to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. If you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer:

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest -- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue us! We're just college students with too much free time on our hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters we created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further ado, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives

_The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru_

Chapter 07:

Working Hard Sucks

A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty

* * *

Having never experienced the "high life" first hand, Shikamaru had no clue what to expect once Remi...err, his new _employer_ dimissed him from her company. Sure, he had a rough idea of a what servant's lot was like from the C and B-rank missions he had done that involved some interaction with some daimyo lord or other, but to actually become a servant himself? A supposedly "high-class" one at that too?

Buddha, the chuunin did not have the slightest clue where to start. And what is up with this new _genjutsu_ he could "see" now? The HUD had changed completely to something out of an RPG (role playing game...what was a role playing game anyway?): in the upper right corner there was a display for time of day, the date, the phase of the moon, and even the weather. Off in the upper left corner, he had "Stat Tracker" for blood, money, time, items, and his present condition represented by a cutesy little emoticon with a determined, lazy eyed expression, indicating "Good".

Worse yet, where was this uppity, ambient "royal mansion" music coming from?!

Shikamaru sighed. Perhaps, he really was going crazy. At least the HUD had a lot of use and made some things easier to deal with. Still, loitering around here was going to do him any good, when his first priority was to get home, and to get home he needed to figure out exactly what entails being "Remilia Scarlet's Combat Butler," her first and only "Combat Butler" in fact. Once he knew that, he could go ahead and get to work to earn his renumeration in exchange.

Actually, that brought up his second concern...why was he the only **guy **in this damned mansion?

_Thwip_!

"HOLY ZEN, WOMAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Shikamaru screamed from his bent over backwards "bullet time dodge" position, dropping all pretense of calm and under control. It was frankly quite amazing how he was able to hold the said absurd position while screaming at the same time. He did not even know it was humanly possible, and the chuunin did not think he was in that great shape to be able pull off such a mastery of strength and balance.

But hey, he pulled it off; thanks adrenaline. Otherwise, he would be just like the wooden wall column over there that had a fresh knife buried in it, courtesy of...that silver-haired -censored- freakin' -censored- screwing -censored-, etc...

Izayoi Sakuya.

Honestly, what in Buddha's name crawled up between her panties and died? She was more violent and quick to act than a Uchiha and a Hyuuga combined. Argh, what is it with older women and their tendency towards violence anyways? Granted, Sakuya only looked to be about seventeen or eighteen by her youthful "good" looks.

"I would advise not ignoring me again, _Nara_," the Head Maid told him blandly, with a cool gaze. "Though, it is nice to see that the _ninja_ I have heard about on occasion are not all _smoke and mirrors_."

Shikamaru felt a sweatdrop coming down. There was an awful lot of frosty cool hostility lacing her elegant tones. He prayed she did not have some crazy complex against him, just because he was a guy... Oh Buddha, anything but that!

In any case, he leaned back and kipped up off the floor to standing position, composing himself to some semblence of civility. Never mind the person he was about to engage in pleasantries could have killed him ten heart beats ago:

"Sorry, Saku-"

"That is, Izayoi-san, to you, _Nara_."

"O-Of course, Izayoi-san."

"I presume you have accepted _Ojou_-sama's proposal?"

"Yeah." Not that she gave him much of a choice.

"Very well; _here_." Sakuya handed him a green pocket-sized notebook and pen she had been carrying.

"What's this for?" Shikamaru wondered aloud, flipping through the notebook on impulse. "A datebook?"

"Precisely. I have already annotated all your tasks for the year-"

"Whoa! Whoa, whoa, w-wait a second here. Did you just-?"

_Thwhip_!

"Gyah!" Shikamaru jumped, finding a knife suddenly buried between his feet in the floorboard.

"Do not interrupt me, _Nara_," the elegant maid deadpanned, idling away with another knife in her hands. Honestly, where was she hiding them all?

"Y-Yes, ma'am."

"As I said before, that datebook contains all your tasks for the year, sorted out on a daily basis, and providing a daily schedule that even a _fairy _can follow."

Somehow, the _chuunin_ got the feeling that was not meant to be very flattering. Did fairies have notoriously short attention spans or something?

"You will complete each task as per assigned each day within the time limit before your next task. Failure to do so will result in demerits and an assigning ten additional tasks on top of the one you have yet to complete."

Ouch. That's just cruel and usual.

"But have no fear as **I **will be overseeing your training and evaluation..."

Is that supposed to make him feel better? Thank you, Saku-tan for assuring my most certain doom and gloom.

"...to assure that you will become the _perfect_, _elegant_ Combat Butler for Mistress Remilia, understood?"

Shikamaru nodded, not willing to trust his tongue for a civil response. He was starting to not like this troublesome situation, more and more.

"Good. I shall see you at five o'clock in the evening for your etiquette lessons..." Sakuya paused, as she turned to leave, sparing him a cool withering glance.

Oh Buddha, she really hates me, and I do not know why!

"...The time is a quarter to noon, thirty seconds. Do **not **be late, _Nara_. I will be watching _you_, always."

...Ugh, so troublesome...

--

According to his new schedule, today was supposed to be a pretty lazy day. He had all afternoon to "tidy up" the garden (a rose garden; the sort thing, he guessed, someone would expect out of a vain little mistress like Remi-_jou_chan). After that, Shikamaru had a class with Sakuya, ahem, Izayoi-san, followed by preping up for dinner, waiting at dinner, clean up, eating his own dinner, and then lights out.

Easy, simple, a cakewalk... Never mind the rose garden was ostentatiously huge. All the _chuunin _had was your typical gardening tools: hedge clippers, gloves, smaller clippers for detail work, a watering can, etc. Talk about old fashioned and backward; they did not even have a running water faucet out here that he could rig up a pipe to, which would expediate his work of watering the garden greatly so. Anyways, he had to trim the bushes, pull the weeds, water the place, and feed the maneaters.

_...Hold up_, thought Shikamaru, feeling a sudden big sweat coming on. _Did I just read what I thought I read?_

He read the to-do-list again: trim the bushes, pull the weeds, water the garden, and feed the maneaters.

The_ chuunin_ stared.

"Feed the maneaters."

The _chuunin_ stared.

"Feed. the. **MAN**-eaters."

The _chuunin_, come Combat Butler, stared some more.

"...troublesome."

And just what was he supposed to feed the maneaters with? Himself!? Ugh, why do women always ask the absurd and impossible of him? Come to think of it, how come all the girls here were older than him? They were _youkai_, duh.

Anyways, whose the lady that was supposed to be out on duty to supervise him, now? Let's see here, Ko... Aku... Ma...? The Little Devil?

"Hi, hii, Newcomer!" cried a feminine voice, tuned to a mocking sickly sweet "frequency" that seemed reserved specifically to irritate Shikamaru.

He hated to admit it, but her tone was very effective, "...yo."

Now that he was not under the threat of being killed on the spot, it was the first time the _chuunin_ got a good look at Koakuma, whom certainly lived up to her name. By appearance, she seemed to be in her late teens, her full figure quite impressive, he reckoned so. Her style was best described as "Business Casual Gothloli": black dress, white short sleeves to accommodate the summer weather, sandals, and a red necktie. The devil part, definitely, must have come from the pair of bat wings, seemingly functional too, that sprouted out of her back just like Remilia and Flandre (except her's were angled down for some reason). The smaller set of wings that came out from either side of her long auburn hair must have been vestigial organs, more for show than function, though he would prefer if they were fake altogether.

Oh, and how could he forget about her smooth, sleek tail that ended in a heart-shaped barb? Wait a second...that had to be fake too, right? Yeah, got to be; got to be; but it could not hurt to make sure _some_-time, right?

"_Mouuuu_! It's not '..._yo_.'!" the youkai (or was she really a devil?) pouted coquettishly. She came gliding down the path towards the tool shed, about a good foot off the ground, to join him. "It's '_Gokigen_'_you_, _Koakuma_-_san_'. Just like that, and with more love, Newcomer!"

Shikamaru felt another big sweat coming on, and the cause was not from the weather either. How was he supposed to reply to that without losing his own dignity? Yes, he worked for these women, but it did not mean he was just going to roll over and die for them either.

Hmm...judging by that personality...and a devil...

"I'll think about it."

"..._Hwehhhhhh_?!"

"So, Deviko-chan, mind answering a question for me?"

"D-D-d-d-d-d-_Deviko_-_chan_?!"

"How am I supposed to feed the **man-**eaters?"

His hypothesis proved correct after all, as the devilish youkai woman touched down to the cobbled path, her cheeks beet red, and her barbed tail positively standing on end in anger. Despite being a "devil" (at least he thought so), Koakuma was not a very good sport at being the subject of teasing herself. In fact, he doubted she had much practice in the art form at all.

"_B-Bureimono_; y-y-you rude person!" she cried hotly, "Don't just go deciding things on your own!"

What else could he do to put her in the palm of his hand? Hmmm. Maybe living here, won't be so bad, after all...

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes: What, you thought this was dead?


End file.
